Remembering Saddam!

Bloody Friday

He deserves to be hanged...

Observation

I observed people down here dont smile to each other. Back there in Malaysia, if I gave a smile, I never failed to get a reply, but not here.. yet..

or maybe it is just me...

Anyway, EID MUBARAK to all my muslim readers. :)

Call it a Bad Timing

Dang....

What a fine time it choose to attack

I got hives! and I look like a puffy fish now.

and I'll be leaving for Xin Jia Po tonite *arghhhhhhhhh*

But seriously I dont know what Im allergic to... all i remembered eating was a masala odeh and soy bean milk... Cant be!

Looks like im celebrating new year as a lobster this year...

Sorry, no pics.. I did take many pics, but somehow when I mms, they never arrived.

The Scene that Almost

me: alamak, jam! use this lane lah..
ek: switched lane
me: eh you cant turn left here, go back into that lane...
.
me: oh oh!
.
ap: mintak lesen..
ap: awak tahu apa kesalahan awak? awak tidak ikut barisan!
ek: BUT SAYA SALAH JALAN HOR!
me: *why is she shouting at the policeman*
me: *buried myself deeper*
ap: awak tak baca papan tanda kah?
ek: TAPI ENCIK, SAYA DARI KEL4NTAN HOR!
me: *ehhh, k3lantan got no papan tanda meh?* *Stop shouting already, he gonna be pissier*
ap: mintak IC..
ek: *sobbing histerically....inside :p *
ap: OK, saya lepaskan dengan amaran...

ap is the policeman; me is me; ek is hehehe.
That's what happened about an hour ago...

Maybe papan tanda in K3lantan looks like this:

Jamaic@n Motorcycle Accident

The Jamaikan government did a study with tax dollars to see why there are so many deadly motorcycle accidents in Le jamac.

I think you'd be surprised at the results.

So, what is the main reason for motobike accidents in Jamaika?

Look closely!! There are the reason. Gosh!


Look again.. the reason is there..*tsk tsk tsk*.


It's not rocket science to figure out this one.

Did you see it?
Nobody is bothered to wear a helmet!

Surprise!!!

Going down the escalator!

Wanted to turn left...


The left was pretty gappy. So I was pretty sure I could fit in.


SURPRISE!! I was turned into an instant perfume salesman. It was a perfume counter. And there's no way out (well, you had to go back from where u enter). Who designed the place? Hmmmm...

Well, at least my surprise was not as bad as this:

Well, id be surprised and probably sh*t my pants!

Kerstmis!

Its Christmas folk!

For my Christian friends (too long to write, but you know who you are), wish you a happy one.

I'm wishing for these:

This awesome piece of equipment. Bose QuietComfort® 2 Acoustic Noise Cancelling® headphones. Wicked!!!


Or this sleekly CK Jeans jacket.


Or at least being able to shop groceries without having to bump into this.


But who am I kidding. No more wishes. Santa's GONE!!! ("o)

H.A.P.P.Y -- H.O.L.I.D.A.Y!

A Day Before Christmas

A day before Christmas. Didnt feel like going out because I expected the crowds would be kiasu-ish and rowdy.

But by 6, I was already starving, dont feel like eating mamak downstairs, so I had to drag my lazy-a$$ to the KLCC for something.


Does it necessary to have this? Never seen I love Mahathir, nor Razak, nor Hussein before... Hmmm, my guess is that he's saying this love from the bottom of his broken bowel.


These are like the most expensive strawberries ever. RM40. With RM10, I could get the Aussie's equivalents .. But then again they're from Japan.


Just when I thought the Strawberries were expensive. I saw these melons. But seriously, would you spend RM185 for something that would turn into one of the 'I Love u' letter? And they're not that big. as big as coconut shell only.


Those japs are so crazy, the even have Pocky for Men!!! Couldnt find pocky for Women though. Perhpas there're not many japs women expats around.

Then, off I went for my dinner. Since the Mad@m Kw@n and Svnda H0use were packed. I went to my third fav rest; the B0ngsen. What do you know, it's disserted!

The what-was-supposed-to-be-the-Christmas-deco.


Much to my astonishment, they didnt took a long time to prepare the food. I had the Vietnamese spring-roll for starters and skewers meat rice for the main course. Shouldnt had taken that spring rolls. Its to much for a person to finished them all. But then I felt guilty ordering only the main course.


I should have had this for dessert. But I was too fool full. Looks oh so yummy isn't?


On the way back, at the tunnel, I saw this vandalised (that fat mice on her palm shouldnt be there) advert on the wall. I had to admit it was so cheeky and cute though.

For God Sake, Make It Negative

Picture this. A commercial featuring a woman looking somewhat concerned. In her hand she is holding something. Why is she so serious? Whats wrong? Then in the end, she is smiling in relief. The test is negative!

Well, it hits me. Does that thing really work? How does it work?

And I nailed the one-million questions. What if a guy takes the test? Would it ever be a positive or show nothing?

Instead of cracking my head for the answers, I decided to satisfy my curiosity myself. So, lunch time. Operation test the pregnancy test kit aka Who-is-the-father!

It should have been a breeze (to buy one). So, I went to guardian. Walked down to the rack, scanned around for people and were about to grab one but...

By golly! there were at least 5 types of them.

The prices ranged from $6.99 till $45.99. Then there's this ridiculous claim like 99% accuracy and stuff. Hmmm.... Which one should I pick?

In the end, I decided to grab the cheapest one, hoping the margin of error would be higher and the result would be positive. Hi hi.

Walked up to the cashier. Made the payment. I was mortified!! The embarassment was worse than buying the strawberry-flavored condoms. Almost put it back and went out without buying, but then my readers (yeah like 10 of them anyway) would be devastated. ;)~

Got back to the office. Dashed into the restroom. Read the instructions!

The instruction on the cover said:

Dispense 4 drops of urine
C - Not Pregnant
CT - Pregnant

Lidat only aaa. So helpful!


Dang, whats that pump for? How am I supposed to pee and suck it (the pee) into the pump? I tot you only need to pee on the kit.

Gee, here we go! What a MESS!! Dont ask me how, but somehow I managed to get some drops into the pump.


Ok, it needs 4 drops! Drop one, drop two, wah lau weh, I only had 3 drops... Oh well, hope it will work nonetheless. *Cheating*

Then there's this excruciating anticipation for the results. While what's it looks like an eternity, I was pondering, what if the test shows positive?

*GASP! Who is the father?

is it Ch@d M!chael Murr@y?


W@ng Lee H0m? (Hormon-raged asian teenagers are so gonna kill me!)


or is it 0fficer Barbr@dy?

This dilemma somehow reminded me of an assignment for the creative writing class I had back then. The class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex & mystery.

Only a student aced the assignment. His essay read: "Oh my God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

Humor aside, the result is here! Should I look or should I throw it away? Mummy!!! Here goes nuthin! I brave myself and...

Duh, what do you think...

Overall, the experience, I would say, was a gut wrenching one. Of course I expected the result would/should be negative. But imagine what would it be if its positive... Heh heh.. Yeah, I'M NUTS! But you enjoy reading it dont you?

The ultimate guide for Expatriate (SPG 101)

What is an SPG? Well, look in the dictionary under "men".

Previous term for these LBFM is bohsia, but unlike SPG, bohsia is ruggedly independent and calls the shots in any relationship. She chooses her partner, she dictates where they'll go, and she decides how they'll do it. Because the name means 'no sound', the bohsia 'turns on' silently, efficiently and frequently.. and of course a glass of teh tarik would lubricate her sooner..

SPG is not to be confused with Sarawak Party Girl either. For Sarawakian chicks, giving head brought a whole new meaning, and you dont want to be one.

Personally, SPG for me, means Sexu@lly Profic!ent Goddess but most of the times, She's Pretty Gross. So what is it like to befriend with one?

Hard (no pun intended), amusing and most of the times, downright annoying..

Q: What does she like?

A: Anything white!

For a start, her favorite movie is "Pocahontas". When the frail little red indian girl fell over white man, she thought it was her life story and burst into tears. What she didnt realise was, no self-respecting SPG would ever live in a place called Virginia.

Why do expatriates pursue her? Well, for one thing, she makes herself easily available. Imagine yourself a stranger in a strange country. Along come an SPG: she represents the most immediate available form of female companionship.

And of course, she is embodiment of the male Caucasian dream: the exotic, erotic Oriental girl, Suzie Wong in sarong, complete with flashing eyes, a sexy figure and a sexually alert personality. She is the girl he dreamt of finding in the East!

At the sight of white flesh, the SPG unleashed all her charms. And flattery will get her everywhere. SPGs believe their bodies are their temples, which is why they worship them so often. And happily invite white men to worship in them, too.

Being pick up by an executive ang moh and spend a night at the Hilton (Sentral) would be her greatest social achievement. However, her greatest social failure would be going back with him to PJ Hilton.

Malaysian may think SPGs are a little better than prostitutes. Expatriate disagree. They think she is a lot better. She's free! The original catchphrase "wham bam thank you ma'am" has been replaced by "oh gee! xie xie ni" since the advent of the SPG.

Like it or not, SPG has become sort of famous Malaysian icon. A bit like Petronas Twin Towers, only in her case, her two towers (legs) wouldn't stay together.

Up there in my hometown, Mattel was already rolling a first batch of an SPG version of the 'Barbie Doll'. But when the local female workers saw it, they call it 'Babi Doll' instead.

Curse of an Elephant

Ever wonder why the horse walks in pride, elephant always shooks its head and the ants always 'greet' each others?

Well, here's why:
===========================

Pada zaman nabi Nuh berlayar, semua makhluk hidup dibawa berpasang-pasangan. Sebelum berlayar agar tidak tejadi bencana semua makhluk diperintahkan nabi Nuh untuk mencopot kelaminnya agar penumpang tidak bertambah.

Sewaktu banjir sudah surut, kapal nabi Nuh terdampar diatas sebuah bukit. Untuk melepaskan capek dan kebosanan para penumpang nabi Nuh memberitahukan bahwa mereka dapat jalan-jalan dulu keluar kapal. Dengan senangnya mereka berhamburan lari keluar dan menuruni bukit sampai ke lapangan yang luas.

Tiba-tiba ada pengumuman dari atas bukit yang berasal dari kapal nabi Nuh : " Kepada semua penumpang kapal agar dapat mengambil dan memasang kelaminnya masing-masing ".

Mendengar pengumuman tersebut semua makhluk bersama pasangan masing-masing berlarian kembali ke kapal ngambil kelaminnya.

Kuda yang larinya paling cepat nyampe' duluan, hingga dengan senangnya milih kelamin gajah yang disukainya dan langsung masang dan lari lagi meninggalkan kapal. Gajah yang tidak bisa lari kencang terpaksa pake' yang ada saja.

Begitu selesai tiba-tiba datang bebek (itik) dengan gontainya mau pasang kelaminnya. Namun cari sana cari sini nggak juga ketemu, nabi Nuh berkata : " Kayaknya ada yang ngambil lebih dari satu nich, gini aja : kamu pake' aja potongan tali kapal dulu, ntar dicariin ".

Dikirain udah selesai ama nabi Nuh tau-tau semut datang paling akhir. Karena emang nggak ada lagi akhirnya nabi janji sama semut " Ntar kalo udah ketemu saya beritahu kamu, untuk sementara kamu masih bisa punya keturunan tanpa kelamin ", kata nabi Nuh.

Makanya sampai sekarang selalu kuda berjalan dengan kepala berdiri dan ngangguk-ngangguk dengan congkaknya memamerkan kelaminnya yang besar. Gajah setiap jalan selalu geleng-geleng kepala dan berkata " Badan gede, kelamin kecil " nyesali dirinya.

Dan semut setiap papasan ama temennya tanpa bosan-bosannya selalu nanya "Udah ketemu belum .... ? " dan jalan lagi, dan nanya lagi kalo papasan berikutnya .

Krew Jalan Jalan Cari Makan
===========================

Telefon Berbunyi Ring Ring Ring

Went to the restroom.
Got into an empty stall.
Locked the door.
Unzipped.. and suddenly soft voice whispered..
'Ni che tau wo chai turn ni ma' (mind the spelling but i think it means 'you know, i've been thinking about you'). from the next cubicle..

My jaw dropped, my pee stopped halfway, and I wet my pant.

Then I realised he was talking over the phone. The urged to pee had evaporated though so I left. I just dont get it! Why do you want to call your girlfriend and say 'I love you' while shittin'. Its sooo gross... Imagine saying that and in the background there's this ploop ploop sounds. How romantic! My best bet is that he wants to create a self-made-Christmas card like this. Merry Christmas, ho-ho-whore!

Talking about a phone, and reading other peoples' blog, I came to realised that we shared the same predicament. M8is is hastily and aggressively recycling its numbers. So within weeks after you terminate your line, your number will be assigned to another person.

What kind of stupid company would do that, you might ask? Well, RM2billion-net-profit company is doing that. WHose laughing now all the way to the bank?

The number is for my office mobile (personally, I use D1G1, they rocks!). And I got mine like 4 months ago. and whenever the phone rang, I could assure its either the High business impact incident had occured or simply wrong number. Both proved to be equally stressful.

The thing about the wrong number is that the caller wont wait for you to say hello.. So usually when I picked up, the caller would pour his/her heart out... 9 out of 10 the converstaion would be in Tamil.

And when I tell them its a wrong number, they refused to believe! If I cut the line off, they will call back. So how?

Can't change the number too because I already programmed the number into our HBI hotline, and already printed it on my business cards.. So im stuck with this number for at least another year.

And just now the SMS rings:
"RM0.50:New Hits:
LoosuPenne(Mono-, Poly-, True-)
MunbeVaa(Mono-, Poly-, True-)
AasaiNuruvagai(Mono-, Poly-, True-)
Type COOL [code]. Send to 36663."

So anyone up for a polyphonic ringtones?

What's In a Name Part II

Gone is the day when people were known as Jenab, Letchumi or Tan Ah Fook. These names have been modernised into Janice, Laxmi or Aloysius Tan.

Eventhough I have a pretty straight forward name; 4hmad F@mil $ulaiman, I didnt get my spelling/name right till I was 12. During kindergarten right until standard 5, I always thought my name was F@hmi. So on the books, pencil box, exam papers or even the best student certificates the name was always been 4hmad F@hmi.

Only when I was filling up the UPSR form, did I bother to look on my birth cert. To my horror, I realised I had a different name. Luckily the horror turned into delight when I realised no one in Malaysia (or even the South East Asia) has a same name like mine :p

At the same time also I realised my birth cert was different from the other kids. Somehow the Sarawak one is much much bigger than the Peninsular one. And we dont have time of delivery in it. So I dont know what time I was born.

To add the salt, both my granpa dont even know my name till they passed away. They thought I was my brother, so they called me by his name. At first, it troubled me so much, I didnt response to them. How could they didnt know my name? It's only 3 of us (male) there (for both sides)? And they knew my cousins names (4zizul and Luqm@n)! After 2 years I just gave up and answer to whatever names they called.

Plus, I couldnt be so hard on them because its not their fault entirely. For the first 5 years of my life, I lived in Saraw@k and Sab@h. My brother lived with them (both grandparents lived nearby) and they only got to see me 3-4 times a year.

Moreover, I guessed 'Fahm1' is not a common name in Penang either (as opposed to naina, gulam or pitchay). So having to memorise a new-unheard-of-before name was pretty trivial for the old folks.

Surprise, surprise, after 2 years, and I was no longer care, they did get my name right finally.

Random
==========

But, where's the key?


The sparkling grape juice we got for Christmas hamper.


...and it was distributed by a phony company. 12345 for a postcode?... Perak? come on! Not only the company provides us with meager-two-words-the-ink-will-smear pen, they also provide us with generic-could-you-drink-it-without-dying juice. Long live the company!

What's In a Name?

Talking about Yasmin, I love Sue's practicality in giving names to her kids.

You see, Yasmin is Yasmin (bte 4hmad Fa1z). Her second sprog is Ahmad Fariz and the third bundle-of-joy is Sofea. Simple.. Love it.

I mean, what's the point of giving a name like Puteri Nur Aleza Shafeeza Tatiana Bte Kudus, when in the end you just gonna call her Anne! ... where do you derive the name Anne from? For all those galmourish-tongue-twister names you gave her, you ended up with Anne? (For a guy named Kudus, you sure gone a long way to glamorise your kid huh!)

Could these names even fit into the OMR form? By the time other pupil starts answering the questions, she will still struggling pencilling her name while cursing you for her predicament.

Worse yet, imagine when this child grows old. People will call her Nenek Puteri or Nenek Tatiana! Tak sesuai lah! (Plus, I still cant grasp the idea of Erra Fazira being a nenek!.. and she's getting old folk! Imagine this conversation at the nursing home in 2050AD.. "Nenek Erra Fazira nak makan?")

My rule of thumb is, one or two is great (raja, tengku or dayang is excluded because its a title). Three is a borderline over-crowded..Four and above, you're insane parents! but then again.. it's only my opinion and I dont plan to have any sprog.... yet.

=============
Eh this is my 100th post.... I've to go back to most of it to correct the grammar and spelling errors .. dang!! :p

Birthday Dilemma:: Help Needed

Folk,

I seriously need your help here.

As you might aware, I'm very weak in the ankle-biters department. Therefore, you could call me a gone case if i had to do anything with them (be it a godfather or a babysitter.. i'll fail)..

You see, my sister's daughter had her birthday last 2 weeks. She's 7.. Or was it 6? I asked her (the mum), what would she want (the kid not the mum)? She said 'buy anything lah' (anything includes dild* ka?) :p Thanks you so much for narrowing it down into 'anything'... Geee..

Should I get her a gown? a book? or a toy? Well, I dont know her size, plus buying gown for a gift is a taboo for unmarried man, so that option is out.

Books? What does 7 year old read nowadays? Romantic novel? Cookbook? Selfhelp? Theology? Plus, how many books do I need to buy? Forget it..

Then there's this obvious choice.. Toys.. While walking at the T*y R' U$, I made a list of perfect gift. So I need your input to tell me which one should I give:

Choice Numero Uno

oh-my-gawd! This is like, so perfect! Knowing Yasmin, she'll drive her mum crazy with a noise created by this drum. The more Sue'll ask her to tone down, the louder she would play. Who could've ask for more?

Choice Numero Dos

Then I walked further and stumbled upon this more than perfect give. Truck for girl? Are you insane? No-no-no my friend, it is PERFECT! You see, I bought a policecar-firetruck-ambulance set for her brother's birthday albeit not a remote one. And this truck has a remote control! Two words "Sibling Rivalries". Imagine hours of screaming and crying fighting over this truck. Fariz would be so green in envy. Candy for my ears.. Headache for the parents.

Choice Numero Tres

Somehow further down I saw this oh-so-cute-animal-dollies and brilliant idea hits me! Why dont I get a small one (the cheapest - baby squirell -like RM16.90) and tell her.. "This baby-squirrel needs his mother, father, uncle, aunty, brother, sister, sister's friends, house, garden , etc to make him happy! They came in a set and you really need to get them all. Otherwise, he'll be a very sad squirell. You dont want that to happen dont you?" And then conclude it with my one million dollar sales pitch "ask daddy to buy the rest. Throw tantrums if necessary.. ask me how to throw one, i have all the tricks up my sleeve *wink* *wink*" Brilliant aye? (Btw, why is his sister a bunny?)

Who would have thought buying a simple birthday gift for children could be this trivial. She asked for anything, I'll give her something..... to scream about ! :)

So guys, what should it be? driving Sue nuts? enjoying shrieking-gladiators-wannabe? or ruining Faiz financially?

Decision, decision....

I AM EVIL (Dr Evil's laugh)

And Another

Another great wedding.. another great food.. another great chat ... and another great dent on my pocket *boo hoo*

The weddin reception was for my former colleague. W@n 4hmad 4nis.

The invitation card book. Dang... It's as expensive as a lunch meal.


There's two receptions held at the same venue that nite. Luckily there's this poster and ushers to lead you to the correct wedding..


The bridegroom's canopies. I think there's 500 guest that nite..


Our table is right next to the pool. I was wishing someone would do Noorkumalasari's stunt (fell into the pool in tight kebaya). But my wish didnt come true. Halfway the dinner... it rained though.. So I could see women in wet kebaya's..


The groom and the bride looking so dashing and pretty! and proud.. and horny...


The cutlery and stuff. I saw one pakcik next table use his hand.. Hmmmm..


Our table.. 10 of us.. Waiting for the food.


The gastronimical concoctions.. There's beef, lamb, chicken, prawns and veggie.


My Nasi Minyak. Well, actually, it was way past my dinner time (it was 9.30, my dinner time 6.30). So I couldnt eat much. and as if on cue, right after we finished, it rained. Since our table didnt have the canopy, we had to scrambled for home nearest canopy.


You dont want to be placed here. THis section I think is for you-re-not-really-invited-but-i-felt-obligated-to-invite-you-just-because-my-mum's-cousin-knows-your-sister's-maid. The section was detached from everyone. It's next to the loo and the dinner was served buffet style. Once, a gril broke her drinking glass, and the waitress replaced it with plastic cup.... for the whole table! (Kiddin about the palsctic cup one, but seriously, I would do that to those who broke my glass)

One thing I dont understand about Malay wedding is their songs' choices. Why do they always played melancholic song during this joyful event? The songs like 'why do you leave me for another girl', you died fighting the communist' and all the Gaya Zakri's songs are a daily staple for malay wedding! Hmmm...

Yet Another Weddin

Lul, I missed your wedding. I'm really sorry... I thought I could.. but I couldn't.. almost made it though.

And yeah, wish you all the happiness till the end of time.

Claim your present from me later ok ...

Man wins RM20K for sending in 2,800 entries

"DRIVEN by determination, a man who mailed 2,800 contest entries won RM20,000 for simply being the person with the highest number of entries.

Chee HK from Ipoh won the Nivea’s Perfect Care for Beautiful Fair Skin Contest grand prize after spending RM8000 on Nivea products. "

Q: Whats wrong with a man winning a contest?
Me: Its' a "Beautiful Fair Skin" contest oooo..
Q: And you point is?
Me: And he spend some money to get the form..
Q: Again, I fail see your point..
Me: *exasperated* Perhaps this picture would paint the correct words i had in my mind...

Chee poses with the mock cheque during the prize-giving ceremony at Baiersdorf Singapore.

Q: He's not bad what? *While pointing at the middle guy*
Me: Salp you stupid arse!!! The winner is the front one lah.. not the middle one. Now plant this idea into your tiny brain.. beauty, fair skin.. and look at him again..
Q: Wah lau ehh... Malaysia got no beauty women gah? eh, you know what?
Me: What?
Q: I think they made him a winner so that Mr. Chee dont have to buy...
Me: Mr. Chee buy what?
Q: They made him a winner, so that he wont buy their products anymore
Me: Youre so mean !! If Chee want to buy, Chee buy lah! no one should stop him...:p

Amusement #2
=============

Fridge inside... Take note of the blue thingy at the bottom there..


The fridge.. outside.

I saw this fridge at the Best Denki. The tag line for it is "The fridge with built-in vitamin"...

Like how the heck could a fridge give you a Vitamin.. I opened the door to see.. and all I saw was a blue plastic disc with a word 'vitamin' imprinted on it. Made me more confused.. Is that thing emit a vitamin vapor or something? Like, seriously.. even if you buy it, how long would the vitamin lasts? and what vitamins are there? So many questions, luckily no kay poh salesperson around to ask.

Amusement #3
=============

Taken outside my office. Sorry about the subject in the pic is not fully on the pic. It was this guy, McDonalds delivery guy, hailing cab... to make a delivery!

No wonder it took them forever to deliver nowadays. They have to take a cab! and not all cab want to stop... One advice folk! Call a cab.. save time somemore!

Amusement #4
=============

Sighted outside my aparment complex. This car got its front window smashed. How does it happened? the notorious Ah long? the corrupted Police? Disgrunted ex? or even the SPG?

Not to mention how dangerous it is to drive without you being able to see the side mirror!

And then, at the back of the car, I saw the answer .... Ahhhhhh, that explains everything...

By then, she could even drive blindfolded lah then, no?