Berpikior Dengan Bijik

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The Facts About White Men (SPG 103)

CC: Why those expat so snob one?
Me: Because their salaries are quadrupled yours?
CC: Hmppphh..

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Who is an expatriate? Obviously anyone coming to work in Malaysia or Singapore from another country. For that matter, a Nepalese security guard could even consider himself an expatriate.

Time was when expatriates lives in big bungalows and led swank lives. They swaggered through Malaya as though they owned the place. (Well actually, they did, for like 400 years). But those days have gone forever and the expatriate community has changed dramatically. The last of the old-school colonialists have packed their bags and slunk away into the mists of time.

Today's expat will be younger and more enlightened. And given the economic problems of the West, many are happy to work in Malaysia on local wages and conditions. They travel by LRT or taxi, while more affluent Malaysians speed by in beemer or jaguar. They queue up at the food courts, while local businessmen luxuriate in five-star hotel restaurants. They wash their own laundries and clean their own toilet, while local families employ two or three maids to do the same works.

And, of course today's expat mix more freely with their fellow Malaysians. Instead of retreating to expat ghettoes, they'll be rubbing shoulders with your average Ah Kit. Chances are, they'll even marry his sister.

And contrary to popular believe, the average Caucasian does not live a highly glamorous lifestyle. Most nights he will be home alone, watching TV and fantasizing over the female newscasters.

When his phone rings, it is mostly a wrong number. His biggest thrill each night will be soaking his white shirt and actually removing some of the stains. He will eat alone at a 'posh' restaurant like the Pizza Hut or the KFC.

Myth and Reality:
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Almost all Caucasian men consider that they possess Godlike physiques, charm and sexual prowess. What they do possess, in fact, are God-awful versions of the above.

A white men also believes that Malaysian girls are acrobats, ready to bed over backward to please him. For their part, Malaysian girls think they are from a circus, too: the freak show, possibly as The Elephant Man.

Are white men more generously endowed that local men? According to Malaysian girls, about the only thing expatriate is good at extending is his credit limit. Caucasians men appear to need constant reassurance that their organs are significantly longer. Being polite and not wishing to offend, Malaysian girls tell them exactly what they want to hear, even though the reverse is actually the truth, thereby perpetuating the myth.

Therefore, the notion "ang moh tuah kee" (white men big thing) is not only inaccurate, but downright offensive.

Classification of the Expat
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While, most expat think that all Asians look the same, it seems that most Asians think all expat look the same too.

Therefore it is important to understand the cultural differences of the ang moh species. The Australians aren't the same as the Austrian. The British aren't the same as the Belgians. And nobody is the same as the New Zealanders.

The Wizards from OZ
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Many overse**d Australian expatriates have wrongly been called lechers. Actually, lecher is a common Australian word used in such phrases as: "Lecher hair down, luv" and "You go on top and I'll lecher know what it feels like".

Many Malaysian women believe that 93% of all Australian Expatriates are called John. According to legend, only one of them is called John, but he's slept with 93% of all Malaysian SPGs.

Not all Australian men are interested in women. Over half the visitors to the Bukit Bintang are believed to be Aussie airline stewards. In a recent survey comparing the Eiffel Tower with Qantas stewards, it was discovered that not everyone had been up the Eiffel Tower.

Blue Blood English
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Once, the most s** excitement an Englishmen could ever expect was from a pickpocket. Then, along came SPG.

As former colonial masters of Malaya, British expatriates believe they have a distinct advantage over other nationalities in the pursuit of local girls.

Many Englishmen believe they can attract Malaysian women simply by lifting their fingers. What they don't realized is that when they lift their little fingers, many Malaysian women think they are having an erection.

The Brits are famous for having stiff upper lips. However, Malaysian girls wish that other parts of their bodies were equally as stiff.

When a Brits expats asks a girl for a quickie, it is on of the rare occasions when he is actually being honest.

Sadly, 82.4% of all Brits expats have slept with a transvestite. Apart from saving money, lonely British men are quite accustomed to having people turn their back on them.

Nevertheless, the polite, courteous Pommie still earns a top rating. At the back of her mind is the remote hope that he might even be related to royalty, or at least Roger Moore.

Free Scotts
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Scotsmen are more secretive and conceal their genitalia beneath their tartan skirt. Malaysian girls are often confused as to which clan a Scotsman actually belongs. All she has to do is lift up his kilt. If he has a quarter-pounder lurking beneath it, he is obviously a McDonald.

The Scotsmen are also amazed that so many Malaysian girls have deep voices, hairy legs and Adam's apples.

The Swiss Fondue
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Because Swiss is a neutral country, Swiss expat ensure their attempt at lovemaking is also neutral. Going to bed with a Swiss expatriate is about as exciting as spending Saturday afternoon in Geneva.

Many Swiss men believe they possess a male organ would rival the Matterhorn, whereas local girls don't think their horns matter at all.

The Dutch
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There is no truth in the rumor that Dutchmen prefer lesbians, despite the fact that Holland contains many dykes.

Dutchmen prefer to make love under the windmill. Since there are none of them here, they lead a celibate life.

Scandinavians
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Should an SPG goes to bed with a tall, blond-headed man and ask "Are you finish, lah?" he will probably answer "No I'm Swedish". The scandinavians never go to the brothels because they believe in free love.

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Me: Well, that about all the expat men that u need to know.
CC: Wait.. how about American?
Me: If u think I left out the Americans on purpose, you got me wrong.

To be perfectly honest, the slick, young, buttoned-down Americans wouldn't be seen dead with an SPG. A local girl, yes, but not an SPG.

The American Navy, however, is an entirely different kettle of fish. When a Yankee ship drops anchor, so does she. She'll be in the front line at the Port Klang ready to give her all. Many a sailor returns to his vessel, exhausted, after firing off a few rounds with his 8-inch gun.

The Marines swear by the SPG: they're impressed by the bravery of a girl who's always prepared to go down with the ship.

The Ultimate Guide for Expatriate (SPG 103)

Local Men
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Why do so many Malayan girls complain about local men?

Well, unlike expat men, local men generally have hairless bodies. This enables a girl to check the merchandise more carefully.

According to some, the average man's physique is too bony, all elbows and knees. Others say his greatest physical achievement is being able to stand on one leg at the hawker centre waiting for his fish balls.

65% of local men cannot cook their own meals; 49% cannot iron a shirt; 38% cannot make a bowl of Maggie Mee; 28% cannot make a cup of tea; and 15% just cannot.

While Caucasian men frequent pubs to pick up women, local men are far more subtle. They go to expensive KTV lounges and fondle the hostesses. When they bill arrives, they stop singing and start screaming.

If they are lucky enough, the mamasan will arrange for them to take one of the hostesses out for the night. He has to be careful, of course; it's not that the hostess will have AIDS, but she could well be a receptionist from his own company, or even his daughter.

Local men see nothing wrong with this behavior nonetheless. Their philosophy is: "If you put cake in front of me, sure to eat".

A local man always comes with family ties. You marry him, you marry his mother. You also marry his grandmother, what to do?

Moreover, many local men also prefer to marry girls who are less intelligent than they are, which narrows the field considerably.

Then how?

The ultimate guide for Expatriate (SPG 102)

Wouldn't you be better off marrying local boys?

I asked my SPG friend.

"Well, if you took such thing as money, material possessions and future security into account, yes!"

"But they're not part of my objective, which is to discover myself. And to relate to an expatriate lifestyle".

SPG @ Work
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Many SPGs become angry when they are classified as SPGs. They think of themselves as Women of the New Millennium, the Paris Hilton of Malaysia.

Far from being a brainless bimbo, the SPG is an integral part of Malaysian economy. By day she slaves away in her chosen profession, only to find herself taking an additional burden at night. For without her unstinting contribution, sales in the liquor, hotel and entertainment industries would fall by 35%.

SPG made loyal, dedicated workers for white employers. Unlike their fellow Malaysian workers, SPGs are never on MC unless they are actually on an MC (Male Caucasian) itself. SPGs are often in demand because their English is very precise. Their vowels are extremely well rounded. For example "Air Hair Lair" is the correct pronunciation of "Oh, hello".

Plus, the least used word in every SPGs vocabulary is "No".

Once she starts work, the average SPG seeks the prestige of having an account with foreign bank. Stan Chart will be her first choice, while Public and Maybebank will be regarded as too "local". Apart from which, many SPGs might even have relatives who work on those banks.

Favorite Pasttimes
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SPGs enjoy watching ballet so they can discover a variety of interesting positions into which their supple, plaint bodies can be contorted in the bedroom.

Only 5% of all SPGs have ever attended a concert by MPH, and only when persuaded to do so by the rich, intellectual expatriate. They find the sight of grown men blowing into horns vaguely disturbing. After attending the MPH concert, SPGs can fully appreciate why Beethoven was deaf.

If you'd like to see the SPG in her natural habitat, may we suggest the following:

The Beach Club
99.9% of all SPG have visited the Beach at least once in the last week. About the only thing that they dont pick up there is the bill.

Affectionately know as Headquarters, the Beach is one of the original bastions of the brown-skinned, slender-waisted, long-legged SPG.

SPGs do not object to the loud music. It saves them the mental anguish of having to make conversation.

Hard Rock Cafe
SPGs wrongly believe this fabulous restaurant got its name because of the air-conditioning there. SPGs wear low cut tops without bras, so their nipples turn into hard rocks. While under the table, their expat companion grow rock hard.

Chili's @ KLCC
An expat club where a ready supply of lonely white men is assured. A not-so-discreet place to observe the daytime habits of SPG who drink RM7.50 bottomless soda. Should an expatriate leave a tip for the waiter, the SPG usually manages to scoop it on the way out.

The ultimate guide for Expatriate (SPG 101)

What is an SPG? Well, look in the dictionary under "men".

Previous term for these LBFM is bohsia, but unlike SPG, bohsia is ruggedly independent and calls the shots in any relationship. She chooses her partner, she dictates where they'll go, and she decides how they'll do it. Because the name means 'no sound', the bohsia 'turns on' silently, efficiently and frequently.. and of course a glass of teh tarik would lubricate her sooner..

SPG is not to be confused with Sarawak Party Girl either. For Sarawakian chicks, giving head brought a whole new meaning, and you dont want to be one.

Personally, SPG for me, means Sexu@lly Profic!ent Goddess but most of the times, She's Pretty Gross. So what is it like to befriend with one?

Hard (no pun intended), amusing and most of the times, downright annoying..

Q: What does she like?

A: Anything white!

For a start, her favorite movie is "Pocahontas". When the frail little red indian girl fell over white man, she thought it was her life story and burst into tears. What she didnt realise was, no self-respecting SPG would ever live in a place called Virginia.

Why do expatriates pursue her? Well, for one thing, she makes herself easily available. Imagine yourself a stranger in a strange country. Along come an SPG: she represents the most immediate available form of female companionship.

And of course, she is embodiment of the male Caucasian dream: the exotic, erotic Oriental girl, Suzie Wong in sarong, complete with flashing eyes, a sexy figure and a sexually alert personality. She is the girl he dreamt of finding in the East!

At the sight of white flesh, the SPG unleashed all her charms. And flattery will get her everywhere. SPGs believe their bodies are their temples, which is why they worship them so often. And happily invite white men to worship in them, too.

Being pick up by an executive ang moh and spend a night at the Hilton (Sentral) would be her greatest social achievement. However, her greatest social failure would be going back with him to PJ Hilton.

Malaysian may think SPGs are a little better than prostitutes. Expatriate disagree. They think she is a lot better. She's free! The original catchphrase "wham bam thank you ma'am" has been replaced by "oh gee! xie xie ni" since the advent of the SPG.

Like it or not, SPG has become sort of famous Malaysian icon. A bit like Petronas Twin Towers, only in her case, her two towers (legs) wouldn't stay together.

Up there in my hometown, Mattel was already rolling a first batch of an SPG version of the 'Barbie Doll'. But when the local female workers saw it, they call it 'Babi Doll' instead.

SPG: Facts, Facts and Statistics

"It will be long, it will be hard, there will be much tears and blood shed, but there will be no withdrawal."
---Winston Churchill

Those are the words the SPGs live by. (Someone asked me "Got hymen (blood) meh? Spg where got!"... well, I qouted the whole Churchill's phrase lah.. doesnt mean you have to take it literally word by word)

Plus other fun facts about SPG:

• An SPG is like a cheap PC. Always going down on you.
  
• SPGs eat so well, when they fart, homeless people queue up for miles.
  
• She is not promiscuous, a thousands of blokes she might have, but only one at a time.
  
• If she lifted her legs any higher, they'd have to close KLIA.
  
• SPG is a case of acquired taste. That is, she has a taste for everything you acquired.
  
• She loves being touched by any Tom, Dick or Harry....not necessarily in that order.
  
• She will not hesitate to use her body to gain attention even though her body really needs attention.
  
• She loves getting things off her chest, like her bra or bikini top!
  
• 100 plus. Not referring to the isotonic drink, but the white men she consumes monthly.
  
• Humpme Dumpme - Her favorites nursery rhyme.
  
• Whereas other women have stretch marks on their stomachs, hers are around her mouth.
  
• While most women are wary of making love to a perfect stranger, she is eager to learn just how perfect he is.
  

No-no.. not this 100-plus.

Pocahontas Wannabe

She:: Eh, how come you didnt tell me there's cute mat salleh newly there?
Me :: huh? who? what? why?
She:: that so and so, dont you know.. I saw him in your floor just now what? Introduced me to him la.
Me :: Honey, I dont even know him..
She:: Get to know him lah, then introduced him to me, Okay !
Me :: You're such an SPG!

What's an SPG? well, i'll elaborate on that later.. We got plenty of them here...